Somewhere Carl Jung is smiling

26 03 2010

Speaking of synchronicity!

For exploring more thoughts about love and feminism and fucking and feminism (a la my previous post), there are two new reads breaking out:

Fucking While Feminist, With Jaclyn Friedman

and

Dating While Feminist by Jill Filipovic

Personally, the guy I’m currently living-n-lovin’ with was mostly feminist when I met him. He has been an anarchist and vegetarian for most of his life and feminism was always part of that. But it’s safe to say that our feminist perspectives have deepened through our partnership FOR SURE. Like seriously. It’s an on-going process and it only got off the ground because we challenged each other and cared about each other.

I’ve dated many guys (and only guys, so far) and have had many different kinds of relationships. And yeah, I’ve been with some who were misogynistic (didn’t last long). Through the years, I developed priorities:

*The person has to care about me (this hasn’t always been true, but once I became aware I made it top priority)

*If he is a feminist, it might not work if he’s too worship women. If he has a goddess pedestal, we won’t get far. Same goes for that hellcat idea, “feminists are hot!” – no way – same sexist story, different phrase.

*If he’s not a feminist, he should be open, curious and respectful (this is me totally agreeing with Jaclyn Friedman).

*Honestly, if he didn’t have some feminism, certain hot feelings probably wouldn’t have even bubbled up for him after a certain age in my life.

I’m participating in this conversation about dating and fucking even though I’ve been doing those with the same person for almost three years because I care about the topic. And it’s something I think about.

I’ve made compromises but so has he. The key has been to be self-aware. Both of us try to consider that we don’t know everything (hmm!) – it simmers the ego, checks the socialization and encourages learning – pretty damn peaceful stuff. Long-term relationships can be complex journeys and ours is for sure but it is also full of love.

Wasn’t always easy though – not trying to claim it was a hot cake right out of the oven. We’ve worked our asses off for this.

We’ve had some notable feminist moments at seemingly inappropriate times. Like say, on vacation. I remember when we were talking about rape on a road trip. It was probably the middle of the night and we were cruising down some desert highway. I expressed that rape should never be the point of a joke (not that he had made one – I actually can’t remember what sparked the thought).

Right or wrong was the question (though come on, I wasn’t really expecting a debate. Good example of how feminism is a learning process, particularly a shedding of old skin – we absorb so much that is damaging unless we critique it off of us). We went in and out of the topic, used other words, grabbed examples from other horrible acts in society – we were ALL IN. We even pulled from old movies like Alien and whether the alien inserting another alien into that man was rape. On vacation. VACATION. That feminist moment was long, strained, passionate and ultimately satisfying because we totally agreed with each other in the end. We left that discussion winded but refreshed. And smarter. And better feminists.

I know that we become stronger by talking with each other.

Being a feminist while fucking, dating and loving can be a great way to spend a life. Compromise unless it makes you feel uncomfortable, at which point you should talk – depending on how that goes is probably whether the relationship moves forward or not.